Sudden Urge to Blog

Sudden urge to blog even though I should be busily studying away. THIS IS NOT A SYMPATHY POST. JUST A VERBAL RANT. PLEASE DON'T PITY ME OR I SHALL MAKE ANGRY EYEBROWS AT YOU >=[

Thanks heaps and heaps and heaps to rebecca and adrian for having that d&m with me the other day. However, I still feel very contrary to what you guys told me, even though there's plenty of evidence out there to support what you guys were telling me. Sure I've lost some weight, but I still feel disgusting and fat, I still super want to lose 5kg. Maybe I'm superficial? I don't think I'll be happy with myself til then.

I really hate that I can't strike up and hold conversation when meeting new guys, I have nothing that poses an interest.. I'm not pretty skinny or amazingly interesting. Everytime I meet someone whom I might be marginally interested in, it falls flat on its face and they end up being interested in one of my friends. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just have nothing to say and end off appearing boring boring boring. Sure somewhere inside me I hold the belief that there's someone for everyone and it's just about timing, but there's also the belief that somehow I'm an exception, and that I'm going to end up alone. That being said, I would want to be the last single one out of my friends, just to keep everyone else company.

I somehow always appear to be overcompensating for my lack of interesting points, end up overdressed or overly made up or overly annoying. But if I can hold interest, may have something that raises an eyebrow right? So that people won't look away instantly, even if it's them thinking 'wtf is she wearing' or 'wtf? why's she being so annoying'.

So there's a saying, you need to love yourself so that others can love you too. I try to accept myself, but somehow I can't. Then I always end up sounding like a whiney cow. I guess this is what's good about blogging, people can't try to persuade me otherwise... words just flow out as much as I want them too, however I do still love a good d&m.

So many times I've become a stepping stone, just watching as time and time again people end up falling for my friends, I'm there to encourage interests and comfort rejection. I don't REALLY mind being single.. gives me a lot more freedom to perve on guys, do whatever I want and hang out with the boys I love. What gets to me sometimes is just being that stepping stone or that perpetual third wheel. AND I'M NOT DISCOURAGING IT. I mean, I don't mind talking to people who are interested in my friends, at least I can discourage them from doing stupid things? And I don't mind being around couples.. just sometimes it gets a little too much for me, especially if it's unexpected and I had something I wanted to tell my friend privately.

Maybe rebecca's right, and I do massively overthink things. But I can't help it...
it's a terrible cycle, gina emos gina eats icecream gina gets fat and gina emos again... a neverending cycle. Everything's just everywhere and I'm not certain about anything anymore. Only that I love my boys and girlies. You guys mean the world to me :)