I seriously seriously seriously am envious of those girls who can act so naturally around guys, and just seem to naturally appeal to guys. I'm not sure if a lot of girls feel this way, or if its a handicap from coming from an all girls' school. But I know talking to people from our group, spending so many years namely around girls every day makes it difficult to socialise with guys. There are a few of my friends who are such guy magnets, seriously, so many guys fall head over heels for them and yet they are seemingly oblivious.
Heaps of guys tell me it's cause they're so natural, the girls are just themselves. But I find that so fucking hard to do. People are always like, who cares what they think? Just be yourself, wear jeans whatever whatever.. and i can see it when someone's judging me... going why the fuck are u wearing a dress/ skirt? But you know what.. cos i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE how i look, i HATE the way i look in jeans, emphasises my thunder thighs. it may not make sense to u, but u don't see what i see in the mirror. it may sound ironic, but i'm not confident enough to wear jeans. i don't mind being the messenger, the reliable one or whoever, i'm just so jealous.
i'm boring, and don't show my personality.. because i don't want to be judged. when i'm around guys, i tend to quieten down... i don't want to say anything stupid and for them to do what the fuck? i don't eat around guys. and i'm always always always so self conscious about my fatty areas around guys. ppl are always saying WHO CARES?! THE ONLY PPL WHO MATTER ARE THOSE WHO DON'T JUDGE U ON HOW U LOOK BUT ACCEPT U FOR WHO U ARE. but i can't even accept who i am, i don't want other people to see me how i see me. and i know there are ppl out there who hate it when i emo rant, and get all freaking emotional. tbh i hate it too... but i just can't help it. i try to stop, i try not to show this side of me. but something just tipped me over the top.
and it's funny... cos i've come to realise.. when someone throws me an insult about being fat or ugly or being a man... i don't make comebacks... because i secretly think it's true, and even if they were joking.. there's always a truth behind it. i don't mind that they joke with me and say things like that, i just wish i could naturally have a comeback cos i know they're joking.
i feel so stupid, so naive. and everyone else knew before me.
i love u girls <3
A note to the self
4 hours ago
5 comments:
reading your sad blogs makes me sad :(
for what it's worth, believe in yourself, because I believe in you!
i do know what it's like to be awkward around guys - for me mostly because i don't know many, and also because i had an unpleasant run-in with a member of the opposite sex when i was little so i find it hard to trust guys.
on a lighter note, i have turned into a whale in the last couple of weeks. my mother insists that i need lots of food to study, forgetting that i'm really just sitting down for hours on end..
xx
All right, it seems that just about everything that you say of yourself applies to me as well, just change the genders the opposite way and tweak some things about the jean-stress. (ok here we go)
I seriously seriously seriously am envious of those dudes who can act so naturally around girls, and just seem to naturally appeal to girls. I'm not sure if a lot of guys feel this way, or if its a handicap from coming from another country. But I know talking to people from our group, spending so many years overseas makes it difficult to socialise with girls from this country. There are a few of my friends who are such chick-magnets, seriously, so many girls fall head over heels for them and yet they are seemingly oblivious.
(I'm the random guy answering your call for help, I know hahah. I just came across this by chance. Lucky you I guess.)
I have to admit that I feel the same way as you (ok, just the other way). I am quite nervous when I'm around girls and seem quite detached and awkward to them, to the point that they end up thinking I'm gay(FCK MY LIFE, 'cos I'm NOT). It sucks!!! I absolutely agree that people prejudge others for their appearance immediately.
You think you're boring? Pretty much the same over here. The only difference is that I don't care what other people think in that respect and I let loose. That's how I got almost all of my friends when I arrived to this country. It's something that I had to learn for myself, you gotta stop caring for what others think, stop being so self-conscious, and people will respect you for who you are, not for the wrong image you are trying to portray to them by being shy. Seriously, stop judging yourself so much! You think you look fat? God, or whatever you believe in, put you into this vessel that will carry you until you die. It's the only body you will get, so enjoy it and forget about what other people think. Guess what, even some guys dig girls like you. I know I would prefer a full-bodied, maybe a bit chubby, but intelligent girl than an anorexic tool. There is always the exercise and a balanced diet that can give you a hand. Me, on the other hand get comments on how skinny I am (the HSC is killing my health).
Oh and hey, just because you emo rant doesn't mean that everyone will hate you for it. You're on the internet, everyone listens. I just did, and I won't judge you for it. It's good to let some of those bats inside loose anyway.
'till later, good night.
P.S. Good luck on your HSC or IB.
Woah that was a quite long comment, sorry for that.
*hi5* for being awkward around guys. I freeze up if I actually like them x)
I hope you'll find some guy who you can know for sure that he likes you for your awesome personality, as well as how beautiful you are. did that make sense? it did in my head -_-'
*hug*
PS. I can't do your gina pose. I blame it on the way shiva explained it xP
best of luck for hsc <3
hey gina!
uhh.. sorry 'bout the late reply and all. I was sulking in the rut i dug out last night.
i kinda understand how you feel. I mean, i also find it difficult to talk to ANYONE, male or female, of whom i'm not familiar with.
I can't really blame going to an all girls school though. I had friends (girls+boys) in primary, but none of which were initiated by me. I guess i just don't have the self confidence to just walk up and introduce myself.
But you're great as you are now! Seriously. You're one of the nicest NICEST people i know. And gina wouldn't be gina without her skirts either ^^ They suit you.
On the other hand, i feel insecure in skirts. Especially skirts that come up a little too high. If i DO wear a skirt, i'll make sure i've got tights on underneath, or at least opaque stockings. I just feel insecure, and i just absolutely HATE it when i can FEEL someone's gaze on me. I prefer to pile on clothes, so i don't attract unwanted attention.
I've got a whole tonne of horrible memories from wearing skirts in the past.
I just stay away from them nowadays.
Yes, it's annoying when people judge me. Whenever i get introduced as the girl who enjoys watching/reading/writing/(anythingelsethat'sbeenblownoutofproportion) hot mansex, people just tend to give me weird looks, back up a couple steps, and eventually disappear before i can even muster the courage to say hi.
ehhh.. i'm rambling. This comment was meant to be short and mildly heartfelt. I've achieved neither. T_T
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